How and why I yo-yo with my weight (an honest self-reflection)

Hello my Darlings and welcome to Mum Dee Does. I am Dee, a mum who does (it all), and today I am reflecting on the reasons of my weight fluctuations.

​I have lost weight many times before. It always took a tremendous amount of concentration, will-power and effort, but I did it. Once or twice I even became what I’d considered fit - I went swimming at 6am every day before work, I was taking part in charity runs and half-marathons, went on long Geocaching hikes and climbed mountains with the dog on weekends… I was exercising and actually enjoying it! 

​I was also in control of various issues I have regarding food. Most of these started during my childhood (don’t all issues in life stem from one’s childhood?). You see, my dear Nan would get deeply upset and offended if I didn’t have second or third helpings of the hearty meals she used to cook, so I learned to ignore any natural signs of feeling full and simply ate and ate and ate, just to please her. She was my main guardian and her opinion meant everything to me, so there was no resisting her, no doubt well-intended, but misplaced signs of care and love.

​Also, as I confessed before, sugar became my drug of choice during the really difficult and stressful times (I really should write a book about it!). It was the one accessible and acceptable substance for a child to indulge in, and, in my case, more often than not even binge on. We didn’t know the dangers of sugar back then, or at least this knowledge was not as apparent and widely spread as it appears to be these days. We didn’t know it was just as addictive and destructive as we now know it to be (see this article in the Women's Health magazine).

​But there was a time when I had it all under control. My weight was, what I would call, normal. It required constant monitoring and conscious effort on my part - wake up earlier to go to the gym, remember to stop eating once my plate was empty, remember to choose healthier options, think and calculate calories consumed and expended… And after a while this process becomes taxing, consuming and, frankly, annoying. 

​Then another thing happens - I get this idea that now that I am at my “normal” weight, I no longer need to stress over these little details… I’ve done it now, I can focus on other goals in life (career, education, creative hobbies). Then I forget about the “pennies” and the “pounds”... Well, they don’t look after themselves any longer. I start to put weight on, but it’s usually such a gradual and slow process that even if I (or anyone else) notice the change I simply tell myself that it’s only a few extra lbs, I can go for a walk on the weekend and lose it. It’s only a stone, no big deal - I’ve lost 5 stones before, I can do it again any time!

​Only the thing is -  I usually don’t (do it again, that is). I sit on my laurels and get back into the mental state of oblivion and denial about my weight gain. I come up with more and more excuses and justifications as to why I need the extra sugar or why it is ok to skip the gym that day. After all, I had a stressful day at work, so a teaspoon of sugar in my tea is just the pick-me-up I need or I went to bed late last night, so it’s ok to forgo the morning jog. And so it goes on until I wake up one morning and struggle to fit into my jeans or catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror looking like a doughy blob.

​Yes, It usually takes something drastic like that to get my head into gear again, only by that point we’re no longer talking a few pounds or a stone and it’s no longer a matter of going on a long weekend walk… It’s back to square one where a near-constant supervision and exhausting monitoring of every conscious food related thought.

​And round and round I go. Yo-yo on and yo-yo off. In control. Out of control. Each time I promise myself this will be the last time - I will lose weight and keep it off! And then each time I excuse it with “stressful job” or “it’s Christmas” and, most recently with “it’s not easy being a first-time mum, I have enough on my plate (pun intended) to worry about” coupled with my famous “I can do it again - but not just yet” clincher.

​So this time I am doing it publicly and adding a new level of personal accountability. For the first time ever I am being honest and frank with myself and with all of you.

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​​It’s been a pleasure! My name is Dee, and I am a mum who does. Ta ta for now.

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